Learning to Balance

My site is beginning to feel more like home and leaving this quaint village is becoming increasing difficult, as returning can be an emotionally strenuous process. The day in which I return to my site after time away is usually spent isolating myself and strengthening my mind and spirit for the impending cultural challenges of the week. Nonetheless, I still at times depart, and even though I am aware of the hardships involving the transition upon my homecoming, I will continue to leave my assigned abode throughout my service.

There is a syndrome that uniquely affects Peace Corps volunteers (most usually in the beginning stages of services), where one never feels they are where they ought to be. For example, if I choose to stay in my site and be a “good” volunteer instead of attending my friend’s birthday celebration in a nearby city, I will feel extremely guilty for missing out on the festivities commemorating a close companion’s annual marker of growth. However, leaving inevitably pulls me from under the blanket of integration that I have worked tirelessly to weave throughout my past five months of service.  A further complication is that even when I am in my site, I never fully feel I am in right place or with the right people. As a Peace Corps volunteer one is often pulled between the needs and wants of several different communities. This may sound confusing, as a hallmark of the government program is that Peace Corps Volunteers are given a specific two-year site assignment towards the final stages of their initial three-month training period. However, the notion of a single site becomes increasing complex as it depends on how one evaluates the existence of sub-communities within one’s permanent location. I reference my site as a good example of how one community can easily be dissected into a mosaic of many.

I live in a municipal capital, which was issued to me by my boss after an interview with regards to my preferences, language abilities and experience.  The municipality has an urban center of about 3,000 residents and is surrounded by 50 rural communities. This includes 57 schools, 9 health centers (8 of which are smaller posts located in the rural communities), a Casa de Cultura, a NGO, a library, dozens of churches, hundreds of pulperias and the 23,000 + individuals which inhabit the area. Striking a balance between all these resources and potential relationships is difficult. My counterpart is the health ministry, and in my site is represented as the health center. The health center is more like a hospital. The large structure encompasses its own community of doctors, nurses, administration, security, cooks, cleaners, patients and dogs to name a few of its daily inhabitants. I could spend my entire service at my health center. In fact, I am often overcome by sentiments of guilt on the days that are not mainly spent perusing through the many consult offices of this bustling medical hub. However, as I crave to commit myself to one of the Peace Corps mantras that volunteers are sent only to areas in greatest need, I often feel inclined to pedal my tiny legs across the rough terrain that will lead me to the communities in my municipality that lack very basic resources.

I yearn for the days when I don’t feel the pangs of extreme shame as someone in my community on a daily basis asks me “donde estabas?” or claims “has perdido?” (where were you? or have you been lost?). The initial steps of integrating involve making connections and in a more blunt manner, pleasing everyone. When we are told that we have not been around enough by our fellow community members, we as volunteers interpret this as having failed to accomplish our integration efforts. The reality is that as one person it is impossible to satisfy everyone’s needs in our communities. Also, it is important to recognize that at times we as volunteers must be “selfish” and take care of ourselves. This may involve a weekend away from site or a day locked in our houses reading Chekhov and sipping a luxurious cup of Nicaragua’s finest roasted coffee beans. As time’s conveyer belt inevitably moves me through the months of my service I will become more comfortable with the people and resources in which I choose to invest my time. As I have often expressed, my experience is about the quality of the relationships I build as well as the projects I implement, rather than the quantity.

One of the biggest lessons I am learning thus far from this journey is that you have to trust yourself and not waste too much time worrying of what other people think with respect to both community members and other Peace Corps Volunteers.  While as a foreigner trying to integrate into a new culture you must be perceptive to certain differences which may at times require transforming your behavior. Finding a balance which allows you to hold onto your former identity prior to your service is crucial to maintaining your mental health and ultimately being a productive and successful volunteer. With regards to other Peace Corps Volunteers, especially in Nicaragua where we are very well connected through the benefit of a free texting and calling plan, it is important to remain grounded in your reasoning for joining Peace Corps. While this unlimited form of communication has its benefits, it at times can saturate the volunteer climate with gossip and lead to hyper-competitiveness. This can ultimately compound the already stressful situation surrounding volunteers and can dilute the richness of this experience. I often must remind myself that while at times it can be almost infectious to wrap my interests in both the extracurricular and work related activities of other volunteers, this experience is highly individualistic. What matters is the daily interactions and conduct in my site.  At the end of my two years I want my memories to consist of the knowledge and perspective I gained from conversations with local individuals who will most certainly impart a unique strength and wisdom to support my future adventures and chase for wonder.

Visiting Talia in Nicaragua: Guest Blog

On a recent visit to Talia in Nicaragua I was reminded of the importance of spending time with the people who matter most.  I went to Nicaragua not simply to travel around from one beautiful backpacker’s hotspot to another, but to spend time with Talia.  Having lived with Talia throughout college and spending countless evenings revealing our fears and hopes over coffee for Talia and tea for me, maintaining a very real friendship is important.  Phone conversations, emails, blog posts and facebook updates were just not doing it for me.  They seemed insufficient in truly attaining a sense of what Talia’s life in Nicaragua as a Peace Corps Volunteer encompassed.  Prior to my trip I knew Talia was living in the small town of Pueblo Nuevo and working as a health educator, but really I had no idea what that actually meant or looked like.  I knew that to gain a better understanding of what Talia was doing in Nicaragua I needed to come see for myself.

Before heading to Talia’s town we spent the weekend in Granada.  She emphasized the importance of integrating, something I believe few people outside of the Peace Corps world could actually understand.  Despite all the words and explanations Talia could relate about what she was doing, I still found it difficult to imagine how one can fill such unstructured days somehow integrating and developing projects to benefit the community.  I needed to see Talia in action.

Time seemed to be an essential ingredient in Talia’s current accomplishments.  She makes an effort to spend time speaking with anyone and everyone around her community.  Within ten minutes upon arriving at her house, we were back out and Talia was chatting at length with her landlord.  Throughout the week, Talia engaged in an endless number of conversations about personal interests, food, family, places and how one was spending his or her time.  At any given moment you will find people sitting out front of their houses, as if simply waiting to engage in some sort of conversation.  I believe it is with these interactions that Talia will become more involved in the lives of her friends and neighbors in Pueblo Nuevo and continue to find direction in the projects she chooses to pursue while in Nicaragua.

With only four months in-site, Talia is already quite active within her community.  However, I don’t think it is possible to go through Peace Corps without questioning one’s role in his or her community and even the world.  It seems that as a PCV you have the ability to do just about anything, although at times it could feel as if there is nothing you can personally do to make change.  Therefore, it is necessary to focus on the day-to-day activities.  Talia makes herself present in her community.  She spends a significant amount of time at the health center.  One morning integrating meant making French Toast (Tostados Francesas) at the health center and having everyone who works there try some.  In the evenings she goes to guitar lessons, theater groups and even runs her own youth group!  Talia is a captivating speaker and gives engaging talks on pertinent health topics to both students and adults throughout smaller communities surrounding Pueblo Nuevo.  Meanwhile, through all of her activities and interactions she is looking to figure out what more she could do, and how she will make a difference in her community as a PCV.

The truth is, most of what Talia and other PCVs spend their time actually doing is totally abstract and will not necessarily produce something tangible.  That is not to say that gardens, bridges and health centers are not being built by PCVs throughout the world, as I do believe they are, but such concrete projects do not define the two year journey PCVs experience.  The tireless efforts that prelude such projects are invaluable and come with great amounts of time spent connecting with others and developing relationships.  Without such a foundation, the value of more visible accomplishments is diminished and lacks a certain level of significance within the community.  It all takes a matter of time.  For Talia, the people in her community hold an important place in her life as a PCV in Pueblo Nuevo, and so she is taking the time to engage with them and become fully integrated.  As Talia continued to build relationships within her community, I was lucky enough to spend time with her reflecting on the past and chatting about the future, but most of all just enjoying the time together.

The First Three Months

I have reached my first milestone during service. I have survived the initial three months in my site. Many will say that this period of service presents the most difficulties. Unlike my training  in Nicaragua cushioned by the protection of language facilitators, training families, and other volunteers in my group, I have spent the past three months trying to navigate the Nicaraguan world relatively on my own. If you have read my previous posts you are well aware that the biggest challenges have been related to integration and relationship building. Pushing oneself to constantly make conversation in a foreign language is both mentally and physically exhausting. One can question people about their families, place of birth, and favorite foods, until at some point they want to hide for a day under a mosquito net. However, you have to keep having what seems to be mind numbing conversations until at some point it starts to become routine and comfortable, which then allows discussions to take a more insightful turn. After three months I still have a long way to go before I can say I have truly made strong connections with people, yet there are instances which suggest that I am making some progress.

The signs of success will catch one by surprise. Often times after work instead of retreating to the solace of my new home (I recently moved into my own place), I will ride my bike around town looking for people with whom to converse. Yes, I have officially adopted ¨hunting for friends¨ as a new hobby of mine. This might sound insane, but honestly what isn’t crazy about this experience? When will one ever have a job that not only requires them to invent tangible work from very little resources or direction, but also where 2/3 of the job description asks one to focus on integrating into a different culture? In my opinion, as a Peace Corps Volunteer all social normalcies should be disregarded. It is our job to make friends, and thus this requires me at times to make awkward gestures.

On these evening rides I usually end up at the medical house and spend some time chatting with the doctors in the process of completing their obligatory two year social service. At times I’ll have my guitar strapped on my back and we will practice strumming the few cords we know, but usually the conversation morphs into an ad hoc English lesson. Our exchanges usually consist of content one can easily encounter in ¨Spanish For Dummies¨, yet there are moments where a witty joke may slip from my tongue or a satisfying laughter will balloon inside my stomach before it spreads through the ears of my companions. These are instances, although brief, that act as strong indicators that I am moving along the rough path of integration and understanding.  I forget I am working and realize I am having a wonderful conversation with new friends.

What about the other 1/3? Well that’s the work I can put on my resume. I question this part every day, as I could literally spend the next two years doing absolutely nothing. Yes, it´s true. No one is guiding me by handing out daily ¨to do¨ lists (gracias a Dios!). I invent my work every step of the way. Not all sites are like this. One challenge is that I am the first health volunteer my community has ever received and thus they do not have the experience to give me direction. However, in general most Peace Corps volunteers in the health sector do not have much supervision with regards to their work, and thus must be extremely proactive and creative. This will inevitably lead to feelings of frustration, anxiety, extreme insecurity, and further existential questioning. Or, perhaps I’m just describing my daily dose of emotions.  Finding work is stressful, but in the end can perhaps bring greater rewards than being handed all the answers. 

The Reality, Struggle and Success of this Experience: Building Relationships

Most in the field of development and especially within the Peace Corps community will advocate that relationship building is the key to one´s success. As a Peace Corps trainee one is told countless times to focus on integrating into one´s community. This includes taking the time to getting to know our host families and neighbors through porch side chats and shared tortilla and chuajada (que rica!). It also suggests that those times when one feels the sudden urge to bolt into one´s room and disappear into the comforts of the latest episode of Mad Men, one should push against these forces and delve further into the depths of the host culture. Eventually, the desire to escape may diminish.

I am not suggesting that one attempt immersion to the point of absolute struggle and despair, but it´s important to be aware of those moments of trying to escape from an uncomfortable situation, and to challenge oneself to break through these communication barriers. The reason is that often times as North Americans, one must know what comes next. The U.S. psyche has an obsessive compulsion with organizing the future. While this predictive behavior may be comforting, it inhibits serendipity. There have been countless times when my limits of patience and boredom have been tested through conversations or participation in a local event (like a quince año where no one but myself and my seven year old host sister were dancing, as a group of people blankly stared while simultaneously consuming Arroz Chino). In many of these moments I have been frustrated by the situation, but in my reflections I have never once regretted my presence nor wished I had spent that time disengaged from my cultural surroundings. The situation I described I now consider outright hilarious and if anything it helped to forge a bond between myself and a family member. Furthermore, there are instances where what may at first be a seemingly dull and worthless interaction becomes something unexpectedly wonderful, and acts as a revitalizing tool to confirm the validity of my presence in the Peace Corps.  Also, if ever a moment is reached where one would rather cram into a bus full of students with a baby on their lap for a 2 hour ride from a department capital back to one´s site, rather than spend the evening drinking with other volunteers, maybe then the integration process is working. Or, I might be insane for having done this.

Why am I harping so much on relationship building? The main reason is because I have realized it is the biggest challenge of this experience. One can easily come into their communities and form groups, check off to do lists, plan meetings, and give charlas, but so what? Forming relationships in a different culture with a language barrier is mentally exhausting. The strength of these bonds is difficult to measure and because one´s time is limited in country, it may never become clear whether one´s efforts have been effective and sustainable. It’s a technique one must continually practice and trust so that eventually the outcome will be triumphant. To have faith that a method will be successful, with the knowledge that the evidence of this potential success may never visually transpire, will test one´s limits far greater than spending a few hours creating posters on the benefits of breastfeeding.

The Peace Corps (refer to the disclaimer please) is about cultural exchange and relationship building. The technical training one receives may mask the actual purpose of their service, and gives Washington a reason to provide the necessary funds. The best training received is the language component, as this is the most effective tool for initiating the integration process. Politically, it is an intelligent move for Peace Corps to strongly advertise the technical capacity of its volunteers as I doubt neither the U.S. Government nor tax payers would be willing to shell out their hard earned money for the purpose of enhancing the cultural awareness of few idealistic Americans. The people back home want to see easily measurable results, and thus one of the three primary goals of the Peace Corps is: “Helping the people of interested countries in meeting their need for trained men and women.” This goal refers to the work one conducts in his/her site and provides beautiful graphs and statistics for the Peace Corps to promote its deserved existence to those providing the financial support. However,  goals two and three: “Helping promote a better understanding of Americans on the part of the peoples served” and “Helping promote a better understanding of other peoples on the part of Americans” are the successful realities for most volunteers. This is not to say that some volunteers do not create accomplished projects, but in two years most of the achievement will be counted in cups of coffee shared and smiles received rather than the number of maternal and child deaths that may be prevented.

On an ironic note: The theater group is going swimmingly.

Necessary Challenges

Like most long-term intercultural experiences, a journey in the Peace Corps will produce a roller coaster of emotions. Whether you are freezing in a Soviet bloc style apartment building in the Ukraine or sweating in a thatch roofed hut in sub-Saharan Africa, one will encounter various struggles. I have quickly come to realize that the periods of frustration aid in amplifying the particularly joyful moments that one will inevitably stumble upon throughout their service. These instances of enlightenment are what makes the seemingly longer periods of aggravation not only bearable, but worthwhile. Hyperawareness is a natural symptom of culture shock, and even an avid traveler is not immune to its effects. The amount of perspective one gains daily in a foreign culture is equal to or more than one could potentially achieve in years in one´s natural environment. Specifically the sentiment of happiness, which is the token nirvana for the human race, is achieved through less complex manners. In my case, it involves staring into the emerald hills that hug the edges of my town to untangle the knots of doubt that are often simmering in my stomach. The main reason why development is such a slow and tedious process is before one can implement any projects, positive and negative experiences in an alien setting must breed the required knowledge to make these projects both sustainable and successful. 

The biggest challenge so far involves a question encased in existential combustibility: ¨What am I doing here?!¨ I ask that both literally and figuratively, because as is expected both answers compliment the success of the other. Formally, I am recognized by Peace Corps as a community health volunteer. However, I have quickly realized that what I actually am is a community development volunteer who has the word health attached to her title in order take use of the benefits of a specific ministry which will not be named, as her counterpart. I say this with the most realistic intentions, as I know as well as most people here, that I am no expert when it comes to educating people in the community about the specifics of certain health issues. First of all, they have been hearing the same talks their entire lives, and I am just a person with a funny accent, crazy hair, and weirdo hipster clothes spewing the exact same facts that they have repeatedly received from actual health professionals who can communicate in perfect Spanish.

Upon this realization, one may feel extremely disillusioned, which is why the original question surfaced. Alas, all I had to do was peer deep into the green shrubbery of those fertile mounds surrounding my town and the answer became clearer. I am here to educate about health, but in perhaps a more holistic manner than per se a doctor or nurse might attempt. I could give educational talks everyday at my health center or in the schools on various health topics for the rest of my two years of service, yet where is the sustainability of this action? While it is important to visit all areas of my assigned region in order to gain knowledge on the community's needs and to facilitate the integration process, I want to find a smaller niche within my already well resourced environment where my short stay will be considered valuable. I need look no further than my life´s passion, theater. I have preliminary plans to use theater as a mechanism to educate youth in my community on various health topics. This will involve forming a theater group that will create and perform plays on health themes in both my town and the surrounding rural areas. Development, health and theater! Maybe I can eat my torta.